Tech Lolz: The user manual for Social Media dummies

Isn’t it lovely? We have a brand new website! It’s like Christmas decided December is too mainstream and showed up two months earlier. Did you notice we have all sorts of cool things around (that I am not very sure how to use yet, but don’t tell the guys) and it’s so blue I wanna dive into it like a penguin dives by accident in frozen water. I hope you love it, and if you do, please share it on Social Media so others find out about it too. We’d really appreciate it. And since I’ve just mentioned it, what’s up with you people and Social Media?

I was really hoping that after all this time we’d learn some basic common sense rules about how to use Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and all the other social networks that we gracefully waste our lives on. But it never really comes to an end, does it? The more people we have on these platforms, the more backwards in evolution we seem to go. Why is it so hard to actually use them for networking and keeping in touch and not for expressing how barely-out-of-the-cave we are.

Facebook, go home. You’re drunk!

It’s been what? 11 years since Facebook has been around? Dear F acebook users, in order to not overstay your welcome in everyone’s news feed please try to follow these few, simple rules:

  • If you’ve just given birth, please, do not make me watch a video of anything resembling your placenta. it is horrid and I refuse to believe you want to see my pancreas on a Tuesday, during your lunch break.
  • If you have given birth a few months ago, one picture of your child per week is enough so we can see he is still alive and sorry to have you as a mother. Please, stop. If you won’t, I promise that when he turns 18 or 21, I will drive down to your house, dressed in a sheet that is fully printed with his naked pictures as a baby that you post now. I will save them and I will use them.
  • If you are way before the cases presented above (which is like being 14 in the States, cause I believe those 16 and pregnant shows are real) please note that the duck face is so 2014 and no, it is not a good idea to post really crappy comments about your teachers. They know what the Internet is and they use it.
  • If you are in between these two moments, please God, please stop posting photos from your wedding. We don’t caaaaare. Nobody does except for your mother. And she will hit like on anything. Anything! If your name is Maria, she will become a fan of every page named Maria just to be sure she doesn’t miss out on yours even if you keep on telling her you don’t own one.
  • Sending invites to Facebook games to people who don’t play Facebook games. HOW? HOW is this still a thing? Didn’t Farmville die back in 2012? Don’t answer. Just stop sending those things.
  • Also, stop sharing stupid things if you don’t trust the source. The rule “if it’s on the Internet it must be true” was never a rule to begin with. Stop sharing things that make you seem dumb.

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Dear LinkedIn, go home. You’re fired!

A few days ago, I got an add on LinkedIn from a guy who had a nickname instead of a name. Something like Charlie TheAwesome. What is this, hi5? LinkedIn is the easiest platform to use:

  • Use your real name. I can’t believe I had to write this down. It’s like I’d have to tell my left foot: “Hey, you’re a foot. I use you in the process of walking. But you can’t respond, because you don’t have ears and, well, you’re a foot.”
  • Don’t share irrelevant content. If you work in a dental clinic, don’t share stuff from about teethless cats on LinkedIn. Don’t share THIS article on LinkedIn. It is not supposed to be there. We don’t use it for laughing, we use it to look mature enough to earn our own rent money because otherwise our mothers will kick us out of town.
  • Don’t use your wedding photo. Don’t use a picture you took when you were making out in high school. Don’t use that picture you have since 10 years ago, dressed as Charlie Chaplin on LSD and Mentos. Use a normal picture that looks more like a decent human and less like a chipmunk hit by a bus.

Dear Instagram, go home. You’re not a real social network!

Most say it is, but it feels like we went back to the mute films in the beginning of the previous century. It’s all just pictures, icons and #pleasefollowmychannel. If you find Instagram as being wow, at least try to act like you wish you had an IQ there.

  • Not another picture of a pair of Converse shoes, please. I swear, it’s like an online showroom for used shoes there. Converse on grass, Converse on floor, Converse on top of building, Converse in mud at concert, Converse in bed, Converse stepping on my scattered brains. Where did all the creativity go?
  • Instagram is like the 9GAG of pictures other people don’t care about. It’s about reposting quotes on vintage filtered pictures, jokes in bad layout and pictures of 20y olds who think they’re attractive if the photo is not saturated over 20%. Don’t be that person.

Dear all, this is a conclusion

If we could all try to be nice people at times and think about how others see us through Social Media, maybe we wouldn’t act like something that came out of the love between an orange and a hyperactive blind pidgeon. It’s not that complicated, just try not to do stuff you wouldn’t want your kids to do.