Tech Lolz – Sometimes We Thinks And We Types, Sometimes We Just Types

Remember how there was that time when someone asked a question so mind numbing that your brain actually needed resuscitation before it produced signals again? Those moments are easily recognizable if you mumble phrases like "what the... I can't even... Did you just… whaa?". If you haven't, have no fear, Captain Lolz is here to save the day with an impressive selection of questions publicly asked on Internet forums. It is so refined, we actually thought of calling it The Logic Book of Miley Cyrus' Fans.


But enough of this long introduction towards the depths of #WhatDidIJustRead. Let's start having some brain damage:

  1. Our first contestant for the prize of "Please, do not replicate" is Tamika Love who asked Yahoo! Answers' users if she was going to die. Which might actually sound like a serious inquiry. One would think that amagad! maybe she is having a heart attack and, instead of calling the emergency line, she decided to:
    • Open a new tab
    • Log in on Yahoo!
    • Click on the Computers and Internet section probably thinking that if it has Internet in its name it's where the Web is and
    • Write this down:
      "okay so im on skype with my boyfriend and he leaves the room. he is home alone. i have facebook opened on my laptop and i am sitting there waiting for him to come back. the sound that happens when he is typing on his kindle started and the typing bubbles on our chat appeared. when the typing from skype stopped the bubbles on facebook also stopped. after he came back i told him about it and he said im crazy. i was sitting there and out of no where my laptop was downloading a file. when i opened the file it was empty! throughout the whole night on the skype call while he was talking it would make a static sound for atleast 30 seconds. it had never done that before and i dont know what is going on someone help me please i dont want to die tonight!
      Update: yep im pretty sure we are going to die what the freak it went static then his camera turned off...."


    Well... I am not sure where to start from. One of the users I mentioned earlier was actually a bit rough on the girl by linking her to some Wikipedia pages on schizophrenia. I sincerely oppose this type of answer as it is obviously not properly documented. It is paranoia symptoms here, not schizophrenia. Don't confuse the young miss more than she already is. Second, wow, people actually use Kindle for Skype. Third, get a proper antivirus. Actually, wait! No, go tell a random person on the street or any 13y old kid that you need an antivirus. They'll know how to install one so that creepy ghosts of the dead malware don't freak you out anymore. Hmm, we should make a series! The Walking Malware! And since you are so afraid you will die, we'll make you the character that always survives.

  2. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a double second place presence! Please welcome our Saddest Person of the Year 2005: a married fellow who seems to be new in the great land of Facebook and decided to ask his Yahoo! pals what is acceptable for a man to post on this social network. And Saddest Person of Sometimes Very Near in His Future, a married fellow who just noticed that his wife changed her status on Facebook from Married to Widowed and is asking us if he should be worried:

    "Women can post about children, wine, crafts they or their kids do, what they cooked, what they ate, free gifts, romance, slut shaming, funny cat photos, selfies, and religion. But when a man uses Facebook, the netiquette rules seem to be blurred. So what would be acceptable behavior?
    Update: If a man posts anything like the things I just listed then it is ignored. No likes. No comments. No anything. What is the socially acceptable behavior for married men? Or is Facebook just for women?"

    For Mr 2005, my personal advice would be to follow a simple rule: as a married man you should post anything that your wife approves of. On the other hand, if your wife does slut shaming on Facebook, regardless of the degree of sluttines of the people she shames, we advise you find a new wife or get some decency in the one you already have. Other than that, mainly post anything you want. With this attitude I am pretty sure you don't really have many friends to follow what you share.

    The second guy goes like this:

    "My wife changed her facebook status from "Married" to "Widowed". Should I be worried?
    I might have to go talk to her... I haven't seen her because I'm currently visiting my mother's house."

    As for the second guy, of whom we still hope he is still among us, yes, you should be worried. Then again, you should've been worried before you didn't sign a prenup. If you did sign a prenup, and your mother seems to not be living with you two in the same house, then try to remember exactly when was the last time you deleted your browsing history and may we suggest you Incognito Mode from now on?

    We cannot move further to our third winner of the week until we also note one of the answers given to this poor scared fellow. Colton says: Holy Hell that's messed up. Try sleeping with her sister?!

    Wow, Colton, the Middle Ages called. They said you were late for the Saturday Freak Show!

  3. Lucky number three was very close to going to a 15y old kid who sent nudes to some random guy on kik messenger, but I realized that all of us have sent at least one nude at some point in our lives so who am I to judge the new generation. So we will close this week's top with this lovely guy who actually asks a decent question, in very poor English:

    "How to fix my computer keyboard?
    i spilled mtn dew in in it about a year ago the computer im using right now but the a s d keys quit working so i have to use the on screen keyboard any ideas on how to fix this? its an hp 2000 notebookpc running windows 8 this may help."

    Before we actually dive into what to do if you're a clumsy person drinking stuff that's bad for your health near your computer, please note the following piece of information: about a year ago. One would only remember this piece of information if he hadn't cleaned his keyboard in the meantime. Because if you took care properly of your keyboard after you soaked it in Mountain Dew and you regularly cleaned it since and the keys started failing much closer to the present day, then it wasn't the juice. Handle your germs, son. And no, no HP manual says that HP computers are not allowed to have Mountain Dew spilled on them. They have a policy regarding Dr. Pepper I think, but no, nothing on Mountain Dew.

    Still, because we are generous gods, what you have to do if you spill liquid over your laptop keyboard is to immediately detach any component that can be put aside. Open the lid to maximum degree and turn it upside down fast so you can let the liquid drip out, let it dry for a few minutes and try to get it as soon as possible to a service. If you still have a warranty on it, don't try to take it apart by yourself to clean it because afterwards the warranty won't be valid anymore. And this means you will be poor very fast, because you'll have to pay for a new keyboard.