Tech Lolz: Top 4 fails in wearable devices
Oh, my. Look at the time, it’s almost break time! Every time I write to you guys, it’s like Christmas, because I realize it is Friday and after this, the weekend is here. In the meantime, I realized that my ADHD is really on a roll these days. I wanted to talk to you about vintage hardware then, when I started documenting for that, I bumped into weird stuff to buy on some websites that were definitely built before I lost my virginity. And theeeeen after about 6 hours of really random browsing, I ended up shopping on Amazon for wearables. Really have no idea how. And then (ha, you really thought I stopped there?) ….
Truly smart wearables
While I was on Amazon, I was tempted to buy the Fitbit Charge HR (or as I like to call it - Fitbit Human Resources) after Ciprian wrote about it but, I’m a girl and I like blings, so I figured I should throw a glance at Jawbone UP3 as well, because I just think it looks better. I could start by telling you which is better technically speaking, but that is not really my thing, if you need that, here is the best review for Jawbone UP3.
By throwing a glance I mean I googled them to see what they look like, and I did it using the worst term possible and I bumped into a plethora (God, that’s a cool word to use and sound smart) of pictures of wearables that I did not even know they existed. Let’s look at some of them:
Wanna buy some “smart socks"?
Sensoria Smart Socks are like weird stalkers. They’re made for (obviously) iPhone users, because who else would buy expensive stuff to literally stomp on. Their description says they’re made of "high-tech running friendly fabric." Now that’s an issue for me. I need not-leaving-the-couch friendly fabric and sometimes bad-odor-friendly fabric. “It also monitors foot landing technique”. Aaaa… what?
Houston, do you copy? Houston, is the heel ready to step on the dirty kitchen tile? Houston, did you land safely? Houston, stop being such a sock and answer me!
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
After I realized I don’t need a pair of socks to tell me that I don’t run, I found another wearable that is as useful as Facebook posts telling you it’s raining outside, as if you didn’t have a damn window to see for yourself: The June Bracelet.
You can use it especially during summer, when it tells you you’ve had enough sun for your skin and gives you an alert on (obviously) your iPhone. Because who else would need an app to tell him or her that his skin is burning. People, really, if you start turning red, go get a beer in the shade . If you fell asleep on the beach and turned red... well, it’s yoghurt bathing time!
How about something even more awkward: “smart dreams”?
Here is a new entry on the Useless & Expensive shopping list, right after my yoga mat and my 30 action figures of Sheldon from TBBT: Aurora dream inducing headband. A piece of smart cloth that monitors brain waves to know when you are dreaming. It also helps you control your dream by playing audio and visual cues. Because you must be that bored with your life and you must have a lot of money to throw on something that helps you make bad decisions in your dreams as well.
I did find something I really wanted to buy: Nimble , a smart ring that you put on your finger and you control devices and stuff with hand-based gestures (doh!). I’ll let go of the fact that it is called Nimble and just think of all the bad jokes I can make about how your blender, fridge and TV start going insane while you forget the ring is on , during “private time”. If you know what I mean! Imagine your smart vacuum cleaner’s monologue: It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, now off again. Wait, on. Wait. Damn it, Carl, slow down a bit there!
Wearables are cool. Really, they are! Get a smartwatch, get a fitness tracker (bracelet, not socks) use them to live a better life. But if they don’t actually do you any good, stop wasting money on them. Who is funding these gadgets? Why are they funding them?
Ohh, I almost forgot: don’t close this page yet. Share some fails too. Which wearables you think are stupid? I wanna have a laugh too! :)