Tech Lolz: If Web Browsers Were Women...

Well whaddya know, it's Friday again. I am sorry for not being here with you last Friday, but I promise I'll make it up to you guys. I had planned a very complex topic for this week, it involved artificial intelligence and a bunch of random things you could do with it. Completely useless random thing obviously, it's Tech Lolz, not NASA here, but then something happened. And then it happened again. And again. And again. And multiply again with 67. My Chrome crashed. And this text was born inside an Evernote document while I kept on trying to actually open the bloody tabs.

Dear Chrome, Could You Not?

Web browsers are our gate to the meaning of life - the Internet. Since I am always online, I would like my gate functional all the time, not misbehaving like a toddler who has to go to bed early on weekends so the parents can actually have a decent dinner out town. Like Chrome does.

If Chrome was a woman, she would be ideal. Tall, long legs, maybe blonde haired, she has answers for almost anything, she can learn easily what she doesn't know, but unfortunately she is high maintenance. If instead of cash you'd have MB in your wallet, miss Chrome would be forever faithful, under the condition that you posses a big paycheck. That she will spend the minute you give it to her. You are in a lot of trouble if you can't provide, because the minute you go low on profit she will let you down. Luckily, she doesn't hold any grudges for long, because every time she comes back to you, she returns all your valuable items that she took away when she rushed out the door. You'll always be able to restore your relationship. Nothing RAM can't buy.

Hey Opera, Wanna Come Out And Play? NO.

Opera is the artsy weird chick, a bit socially awkward even if she basically does what all the others do, even better than some of them, but nobody seems to be keen on dating her too much as you can see in the graphic below. Definitely not as materialistic as miss Chrome and certainly a way better conversationalist. I mean, come on guys, you don't even need to talk to her, she understands Gestures. And just because she doesn't have so many add-on friends like the ill-tempered Chrome, it doesn't mean you won't like her few acquaintances when you go out. Give her a shot, she might actually convince you to stay over dinner.

I Promise I Won't Tell, She Said

Now, Firefox is something special. She is quite running a double standard here. She has a public profile, and leaves her source unattended, open for all, yet she sure knows how to keep a secret, unlike her long-distance friend Chrome who keeps on forgetting to lock the doors and windows. Also, she's kind of easy to pick up, she gets excited way faster than others her age and will start talking to you in no time and really doesn't care much on how much currency you possess. But while your passwords are safe with her and she is hopelessly romantic by building an encrypted language just for the two of you, beware. If you get into a fight, it will take many cache cosmetics appointments to convince her to come back running to you.

Internet Explorer, A Woman Who Knows Exactly What She Wants. In Three Days From Now

Yes, she knows what she wants, and what she wants is Windows. Unless you come from the Gates family, she isn't interested, don't bother. It will take a long period of dating if you want something from her. If you know you like adrenaline, then maybe you should try her high school friend, miss Chrome. But if the most exciting thing in your life is a new episode from The Young and The Restless then she's The One. On the good side she is definitely not gonna nag you, she is far from being a grammar nazi like the others for example, but you might not want to tell her about that thing you did in college that you are embarrassed about because IE ain't very good with keeping your stuff very secured. If you know how to approach her she will spill out everything.

Mom, Can I Watch This Video About Killing Puppies? Sure!

Safari, the queen of people who have too much money and spend it on devices they don't really need. Be rested when you go grab coffee with her, because in under two seconds she will start talking like there is no tomorrow. She is smart, very friendly, likes to be helpful and gets you organized, but by her rules. Which is not really a bad thing, just that it can get pretty boring. She is really stubborn though. Especially when it comes to how you want to decorate the apartment you two live in. If you planned on customizing anything, she will politely tell you you're stupid and she knows better. So maybe you should keep it simple and let her do her thing. And if you plan on having kids, make sure you keep a very close eye on them, she tends to be very uninterested in parental control.


Some like redheads, some like brunettes, some like to live dangerously, others like to take their time. You choose what's best for you. I, for example, will choose to have a beer and ignore the fact that miss Chrome just smashed the door behind her for the 68th time today. I hope she comes back in time for me to write next week's post. See you in seven days!