Tech Lolz: If social media networks were your girlfriends

One of the most read articles I have written on Digital Citizen since the beginning of time (actually April 2015, I work here since April) was the one in which I imagined what would it be like if browsers were women . A bold guess would be that most of the website’s audience is made of men who seek revenge on the girls who dumped them in college, but I prefer to believe you are here because you like my jokes. So here’s to you, a brand new edition of “if something-something were women”. Today, we discuss social media and, like always, we’re going to have some fun:

Is that your ex in this picture 3 years ago?

I assume everyone with a Facebook account has noticed the loveleh feature it has now: Memories. Facebook is that girlfriend you kept everything secret from, because you knew deep down in your heart that even if you breathe longer than you are supposed to, that breath will be held against you one year later (It would probably smell bad too). Facebook is the stalker prototype. :)

Source: Complex

She knows everything about you, she remembers your mother’s damn birthday and gets her flowers to make sure she’ll vote for her, when engagement time comes. She knows who your friends are and where they hang out all the time so you can’t lie about being with someone while you are at work, playing Counter-Strike with somebody after hours. Though, if you do that, you deserve being single. She knows all your ex girlfriends’ girlfriends and probably when they had their last period. And she will definitely use that information every time she might need it. I’d suggest you run now!

Of course I didn’t do the dishes, I had to OCD through all of your things

Not that I am saying women and men shouldn’t wash dishes equally. S hee sh, I just realised you can’t make any stereotype jokes anymore without offending half the planet :). If you hooked up with Pinterest , you might be in for a good treat. She looks gorgeous, always colorful and jolly, she has an excellently organized locker. And now she is probably organizing yours as well. She always has great ideas on how an ikebana would look lovely on your gaming console, and most definitely she has a secret drawer with pictures of naked men she wishes you’d look like.

Source: Sashanovikov

I am too hot for you, but I have a good deeds quota to fulfill

If you feel like your girlfriend is the must-have of the season among your peers, then, my friend, you most definitely are in trouble. Lady Instagram is not really easy to keep up with.

She has followers, she has multiple (filtered) personality and boy, is she expensive! Those ads man, those ads! Everyone wants a piece of that.

Source: Quickmeme

O, hi. Is it OK to join you here, in this cold, dark place?

Congratulations! You just hit the jackpot. You found that one girl that nobody wants. ‘elo there, Elo! She is silent, has very few friends, dresses only in black & white, never goes anywhere uninvited and she seems to like the Red John stencil a little too much. You can’t really tell if she plans on cooking you dinner or cooking you for dinner, so maybe you should watch your back every now and then.


Can we please have our friend Edit over? No!

You better watch your mouth closely, son, with this chick, because if you said something bad then you are doomed, you can’t really rephrase that. Really, just think of a very good reason for that night out and make it short and with no embellishments, because Twitter doesn’t have time for all that jazz!. Ain’t nobody got time for stories, champ! She is gonna kick your ass so bad you will see birds laying eggs all over your tomb.

Source: Lynette Noni


So who are you currently dating from the ones we mentioned above? It’s OK, we won’t tell. We will share on Facebook though, so you might have a tiny issue with that. Huh? Who is that in the back? Nope, really not sure about you, Tumblr, you seem a bit underage, so maybe we’ll talk about you later, in a different Tech Lolz episode.