Tech Lolz: The Unbearable Lightness Of Self-Confidence Or "Ma, I'm On YouTube!"

There was a joke when I was I kid that sounded something like this: "A mother is sitting on a bench in front of her apartment building, her 10 years old son is on his bike circling the building. After a couple of rounds, he starts getting brave and shouts to his mom: Look, ma, I'm driving with just one hand! He circles the building again and gets even braver: Look, ma, no hands! After one more circle he stops and tells his mom: Look, ma, no teeth!". Which is a lovely story about how you would break your bones or teeth by playing outside when you were a kid, which is mainly what happens today as well, just that now it is all uploaded on YouTube.

To YouTube Or Not To YouTube?

The video sharing network bought by Google in a very inspired moment of their history is now imploding from billions of hours of video material uploaded by people who are convinced they are amazing enough to share their "immense" knowledge with the world. Also, the users realised they can make money out of it too. Well, some of them.

The thing is, you don't just make an account, upload a video of you singing The Llama Song at karaoke and then you wait for the coins under Smaug to simply vomit themselves on your rooftop. It's a tad more complicated than that, but otherwise, it is doable.

How To Earn Money On YouTube?

Many users have asked on forums how can they earn money on YouTube and I must admit, some answers were simply hilarious. Like this one for example:

"There are 10 easy steps steps. If you follow these, you'll be famous in no time - and compared to your neighbors, you'll be rich!

  1. First, you have to cover your computer in barbecue sauce
  2. Then you must dance around it in a tribal manner chanting "oogashocka oogashoka"
  3. Afterwards, grab a baby and smother the barbecue sauce on its toes and eyelids
  4. Next, search on google "how to plot to overthrow the government of the united states of america"
  5. Avoid getting arrested by the CIA by throwing puppies at the house of representatives
  6. Put money on top of your computer
  7. Go to YouTube
  8. Pick up the money
  9. Throw puppies and the old barbecue sauce computer at the president of the united states in an attempt to overthrow the government
  10. Flee to Mexico"

Other people have already built their accounts and now they are asking for second opinions. Like this lovely Alana, who asks us if we think that if she is really attractive she'll get many YouTube views. Alana, darling, if you are really attractive, and you spend time on Yahoo! Answers, then maybe we can suggest you some other video sharing platforms, where there is no pay per views system, but you will definitely earn a lot of money from the producers. And you'll also get nice t-shirts with brazzers and kink logos. And a lot of latex underwear.

There are also other nice kids asking if they will be popular and if they will get a lot of views from people. And most of them are 13-14 years old. Can somebody please make a campaign on YouTube telling kids that when you're 14 you're supposed to take knowledge in not out. This way maybe we will get rid of the over 20.000 videos of What's in my pencil box and How to wear makeup at school and promote more useful channels like Crash Course or fun ones like College Humour. And maybe this way Justin Bieber wouldn't have some of the most viewed animal videos on YouTube.

The Real Way Of Making Money On YouTube

Either way, for the ones who do want to start a YouTube video blog or just upload videos on their channel and share nice and useful stuff here is what you have to do:

  1. First decide if you are stupid or not. If you came to the conclusion that you are then do not use YouTube for anything else than staring at it.
  2. If you decide you are not stupid, ask some of your friends for an honest opinion too, just to make sure, and then if they approve of your IQ, then you can think of a plan to set up your channel.
  3. Try to figure out if you have the necessary resources to produce content for YouTube. If you still own a Nokia 3310, you might have an issue, since you don't have anything to film with. On the other hand, if you still have a functional Nokia 3310, then auction it and you will have enough money for the next 5 years of luxury vacations. Seriously, you need a good camera, good basic video editing software and, depending on what you want in the video, some friends to help you. Oh, yes, also a computer, even if you can upload everything directly from your phone.
  4. Log in to YouTube with your Google account, scan the homepage and search for the Upload button.
  5. Once you have uploaded your first video, you will be able to set its name, its description, pick some tags, put it inside a specific category and assign it to a playlist.
  6. Start uploading content as often as you can and there you have it, you have your own YouTube channel and then, you need to think of some mini marketing campaign to get viewers and more important, subscribers.
  7. After the slice of humanity present on YouTube decides you are interesting (over 1.000 views/clip and a few hundred subscribers) you can try to set AdSense to start making ice cream money. For more details on that, you should check this link.

Conclusion

All in all, don't build YouTube channels just because you have abs, big boobs, or a weird pet, or if you're 11. We don't care. If you make music make it as great as you can, if you have an immense knowledge over something, film tutorials, if you are funny and you make good jokes, share a short movie of your stand-up act, and so on. But no, we are not interested in what is in your pencil box.