Hello citizens, and welcome to another article in which I have no idea what I am talking about. I am pretty positive that, after this post, my inbox will be full of “Superman can kick Hulk’s ass at any moment of the day” and I will be informed about an enormous pile of trivia stuff about superheroes that I am not really curious about. Everytime I go to the cinema to watch a new superhero movie, I have to go through a whole process of getting used to the sadness I will experience afterwards. I will never have a boyfriend who can grow his body parts again (Deadpool, can you make it bigger this time?) nor will I have a boyfriend who can hammer down any nail in the house and also look pretty while doing it. But a girl can dream. So, let’s dream a little about how would our regular good guys from Marvel and DC be like, if they were significant others.
Peter, is that spider thingie on your hands or something else?
Everytime I go on 9gag, for example, I am rather confused. Do people like SpiderMan or not? I personally like him and I mean….what’s not to like? You don’t have to visit the parents, he can reach any place in the house, definitely no insect problem during the summer (well, except for spiders, I think that might be cannibalism if it happens), you wouldn’t have to cook complicated stuff like seafood and just imagine the possibilities when it comes to doing the nasty. Just imagine. I’ll pause for a few seconds now.
Stop! It’s Hammer Time
I swear I am really trying to leave out as many puns as possible, but it is really complicated to do so. One of my favorite characters is Thor. Nothing beats those abs. All right , maybe just his brother’s gorgeousness (damn it, Tom Hiddleston, what have you done?!). If Thor was a regular dude, he’d probably hit the gym every morning, do the shopping on his way home, and definitely fix everything around the house. OK, he might have a bad memory, but those abs can make you forget things too, stop being so judgmental. He is great, really! It is his family that is a pain in the ass. I think Thor’s drama is actually the fact that probably all his girlfriends will leave him for his adopted brother (damn it again, Tom Hiddleston).
Could you please slice that pineapple for the guests?
If he wasn’t a superhero, Wolverine would probably be a chef. Jamie Oliver, you have some serious competition here. You think you can chop fast? Think again. Other than his kitchen related pros though, I am afraid that I will say no to James. Fur is not really my thing. I already have enough hair from my cat on my clothes, I really don’t want to pay extra to my cleaning lady.
It’s all about the money
In the end, indeed, it is all about the money (dum dum, du du dum dum - anyone humming that old song with me?). Style, cash, abs, wit and a lovely accent, Iron Man is the poster child for Whatever It Is That Women Want. You want to know what we really expect from a guy? Tony F. Stark. And you sure as hell know what the F comes from. The idea of maybe bumping into someone like him makes us put makeup on every morning.
He did play a fart prank at my granny’s funeral, but he has a great ass
Ok, might be Reynolds fault. But if Deadpool and Loki got together in the same stadium with 50.000 women, Guinness Book might list the record for the largest sigh in the galaxy. If Tony Stark is what you’d marry, Deadpool would be the number one divorce reason. All I am saying is no girl can resist that sense of humour.(ass. I meant ass. And sense of humour).
I know there are plenty of others but honestly Ben Affleck kinda ruined Batman for me. As for Clark Kent, I really don’t want to have to iron underwear for the rest of my life so he can wear it on the outside at work. In the end, I would also like to mention I wouldn’t turn down Captain America. But I doubt we could make it on the long-term. Just for the summer and maybe for a green card.