Tech Lolz: The Spooky Story Of The Year Or The Ghost Of Icons Past
Some of you might not relate to this article and I am completely fine with that. You are better off. This article is mainly focused on those people who still use Windows Vista and possibly Windows XP since they are the ones that just won't move on to something better. Let me tell you something about Windows Vista: if Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows Vista crashed, he'd be a… Oh wait, he is! Point taken! Getting back to this article: it is about rituals of exorcism for Windows Vista and Windows XP. Or maybe not. :) If you are faint of heart, just stop here!
With Halloween just right around the corner, a spooky tech story is exactly what you guys need. Just close all the lights and read this article. Our fellow friend, Kenneth Cochran is going to tell us a ghost story:
"I am fortnightly (or an approximation thereof) visited by the ghosts of icons, long departed. These apparitions only reveal themselves momentarily after I've logged in then vanish. Returning from whence they came.
I've investigated their history and found no clues as to why they continue to haunt me. I sought out an exorcist but those I found were only qualified to expel spirits of humans and demons. Not one had any experience with digital poltergeists.
Perhaps praying to Saint William of Redmond will improve the Vista before me.
Dost thou agree?"
I don't know about you guys, but damn that was scary! I have trouble with ghosts and I truly believe in them. It's possible that due to the many weird occurrences with computers that I had during the years that my faith in them is so strong.
Let's take for example when I was 16. I used to own a desktop computer. Damn, it would startup at night, around 3 am with the CD-ROM tray going out and then back in. I know that there are reasonable explanations for it (??), but I feel like the most normal explanation is: "GHOSTS"! And I doubt that anyone can change my mind.
So for this reason, I treat this article with utmost delicacy so that I don't annoy any deleted programs resting souls from my current computer. I can't really afford any new enemies at this point.
Next, let's take some advice from the elders - Lese Majeste is some kind of Dean from Supernatural, I swear:
"It's said that icons which die by violent deletions cannot pass on to the afterlife because they are not at peace. So instead they roam the desktop, haunting the living...
The only way to get rid of digital poltergeists is to appease your 32-bit apparitions by executing a sacrificial Perl script whilst reciting the last 24 digits of pi. Should you be unable to perform the aforementioned ritual, then I suggest you to smite User Profile Hive Cleanup Service (UPHClean).
I don't know if that's your problem, but without further details (what exactly are the icons of? documents? programs? temporary files? system files? did you search for them on your hard drive? check the All Users or Default desktop directory? etc.), it's hard to tell what the problem might be. But I hope you can resolve this issue so that those icons may finally pass on to that great recycling bin in the sky."
This dude can just write The Dummies Guide to Getting Rid of Computer Spirits. It will be a best seller!
And, as a co-author, he should have Tom Wijsma:
"Weakening the locomotive of this mighty computer by appeasing it to execute a sacrificial Perl script whilst reciting the last 24 digits of pi might only do stimulate the digital poltergeist ghost icons to remain domicile on the desktop for a prolonged time. Cleaning up the dusty space where they reside will only make them migrate to another part of his mighty computer. I should downvote thee for bewitching Kenneth Cochran with this nonsense advice…"
The Exorcism of Windows Vista
Do you want my personal opinion on this? Smite it with holy water and just burn the little monster alive. Don't forget to add salt!. This is a small trick I learnt from the TV Series Supernatural. I mainly watch it for the cute guys, rock music and hot cars, but apparently it has other benefits too.
This would be the time to tell you what's actually wrong with the computer. It's really simple and I cannot make it anymore simpler. It's just possessed. There is nothing that you can do!! Call the priest, call your mother, life as you knew it just ended. At least, on the bright side, for Halloween, you can just sit the trick-or-treaters in front of the computer. It will guarantee a good scare and you will be the most popular house in the neighborhood.
Another idea comes from the one and only Tom Wijsma:
"I want to forestall the ghost of icons from haunting my desktop, hence I prevent any icons from showing...
Utilize your hairy mouse and close any windows except for Windows, then get a menu on your desktop. From there you can use the astonishing "view" menu to finally un-"show desktop icons"!
May this purple arrow guide you there…"
It really doesn't matter who you pray to, either way you are pretty much screwed. You could be praying to St. William or St. Knickleburry, if you don't get the priest to perform the exorcism… there's not much that you can do. Sorry to disappoint you all. This was just a scary story and not much of an educational exercise. If you are having troubles like the ones shared in this article, let me know in the comment section below and I will put you in touch with my priest. :)