Tech Lolz: An open letter to developers, from their partners

Dear programmers, I am writing to you all at the end of a very long week, filled with whatthehell-s. And because I am kinda like that, I decided to t ake the first step in this relationship and start a conversation between us, your business and/or life partners, and you, the programmers. I feel that somehow, in the past years between us and you, a gap the size of Nicki Minaj’s behind has formed and out of all the existing butts in the world, this one is the last one anyone wants to sniff on. Let me be more explicit:

If words!=spoken, the marketing manager did not understand

I have been working in digital marketing and content marketing for quite a while now and I must say that I can do without a lot of things in life: w /o ut time, w / out a decent sex life, w / out sleep (see, I can write “without” just like you guys), but I cannot do w/out the programmers I work with. You guys are for 99% of business people like honey to toast, like calcium to bones, like Sasha to pr0n . We just need you, and we know that. And you need us to bring down the business to you.

Our issue though, shows up when we try to explain to you what we need you to do. Suddenly, it’s like you brought a kid with Down syndrome to explain math to Stephen Hawking. It’s like in that short movie that has made the Internet go insane:

We want to tell you that we need a responsive app that looks pretty and makes clients buy our socks, but we don’t know how to explain it. This is why we end up with an app that sells tickets to Celine Dion featuring Psy concerts and no socks are involved whatsoever.

You have to understand that when it comes to explaining “techie stuff”, we are as dumb as the Olsen twins. And when you speak to us in your void main/div/shortcodes/protocols we nod and we pretend we got it, because we love you and we need you, and then we go to the client and tell him it will be done, ‘cause it really looks like you know what you’re doing.

Can you make it sing the National Anthem and can the title spin like a pinata?

Again, we are not saying you HAVE TO make it spin like it’s the 4th of July, we just want to know if it can spin. And those boxes you made, I actually wanted them to be circles, and when you said I’ll have a carousel on the homepage and I was very excited, I really believed it will look like an amusement park. Where are the wooden horses? Why do I only have four blocks with images moving boringly here.

Also we would love to understand your memes:

Oh, and at home, at family dinners, when my parents laugh at your jokes….no, they don’t understand them either. But they want to see me married at all costs.

Also, after the family dinner, when you’ll tell me you solved the back end issue that day, I will assume the proctologist did a wonderful job and those hemorrhoids really don’t bother you anymore. And if you do not have any hemorrhoids, I will assume you just had some nasty sexy time with someone in the office.

Conclusion

It is not impossible to start having a conversation in the same language. I will say potato, you will say img src=”potato.png , but in the end I really am sure we can make this relationship work between us and build happy stuff together. All we need is the same dictionary and a really good definition on what does a carousel mean.