Tech Lolz: How to feel stupid in three easy steps

A little over six months ago, when I decided that freelancing is my true calling and the right thing for me is to teach people stuff about websites and writing on them, I embraced all the possible events that dealt with the Internet, computers, user experience, usability and so on. Endless evenings of drinking crappy coffee and trying to mingle with the experts led to a decrease in my budget for other things. You know, food and stuff. So I decided it was time to maybe find a job…

Are you specialized in JTLA BMG REFPT and all the other alphabet letters?

Since my desire was to leave the world of media and start using my knowledge on usability, I thought: “Hey, why not a software and web development company?”

So I applied and somehow they called me back. I had a three hours interview over Skype during which I swear I have heard all the abbreviations ever invented in this world. Including FU, WTF and LOL - but those were the voices in my head saying them.

I had heard them before, during conversations that I witnessed at the tech events I attended. Together with words that I do not understand and cannot for the life of me repeat and remember, they form the lovely geek slang. Even today, after seven months together with the Digital Citizen team, when we go out for our casual Friday beers, I feel like a deaf giraffe trying to learn German.

For example, do you know what they mean when they speak of "bacon"? No, it is not that thing that makes us so fat we wish we were never born. It is slang for the emails that users want to read, but not in the immediate future. So we send them bacon weekly in the beginning. We don't wanna, you know, look like we wanna just break into their lives. Just a nice reminder. A reminder of what - to have breakfast? It's really not fun when you don't know that it is really spelled bacn. Also, I found out there is "ham" too (what is it with all the meat - what do you send to vegans - broccoli?) but apparently, unlike bacon targets, these guys wanna read right away.

Oh, and Big Brother is so last decade. We now have Big Mother - which is basically what parents use to track their children's whereabouts and activities. So, teenagers, watch out what you lie to your parents.

Is your brain 404-ed already?

In case you are now having lunch, you might want to skip this particular sentence because I will let you know that aside from all the maggots you know about, there is a new species - an ethical worm. While the first image that popped into my mind was a history teacher I had in high school, no, an ethical worm is like malware but working for the good guys, and defends vulnerabilities in network systems.

If you wanna look smart and grateful for your saved data after calamities happened to your computer, you might wanna stop pointing your eyes towards the sky and thank heavens. You should actually go “ Thank FRR I still have the nude pictures you sent.”

In case you really wanna take your geek neighbour upstairs for coffee, here is something that will definitely rock his boat: “ I am having some issues with my websites, I never really trusted the LAMP for building this, PHP is so not on my favorite T-shirt…" Then stay quiet and make some sandwiches. Be sure you already bought a TUX penguin plushie and leave it on your bed.

Also, the next time you see a skinny kid with hipster glasses and a lot of cables coming out of all his pockets screaming COPS, don't panic and call the police. He might be trying to let a friend know something about Common Open Policy Service Protocol.

Last but not least, try not to get rickrolled. I won't explain this. You need to live it to understand. More on the topic in the video below.

Conclusion

In the end, all I can say is that i don't yet grok it, but I am on the right path. By the way, t o grok (pronounced GRAHK ) something is to understand something so well that it is fully absorbed into oneself, according to TechTarget . It is all OK, I will learn all these terms eventually. Meanwhile I will change my presentation on Facebook - from now on I am officially a droupie for my Digital Citizen colleagues. Like a groupie... but following computer literates instead of rock stars. I am a noob geek or SMTHN, FYI.